Does anybody know any good jokes?

A Rational Decision

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural bodies to use modified Persian words to replace foreign words that have crept into the language, such as ''pizzas'' which will now be known as ''elastic loaves,'' state media reported Saturday.

Among other changes, a ''chat'' will become a ''short talk'' and a ''cabin'' will be renamed a ''small room,'' according to official Web site of the academy.

ZOG AMERICA

Upon Googling the phrase "zog america" (sans quotes), I received links to:
1) A Wikipedia entry for the Zionist Occupation Government (ZOG)
2) A Wikipedia entry informing me that ZOG "also has the account User:BaboonMouth, several contributions from which have already been deleted for being in blatantly bad taste (e.g., adding photos of monkeys to articles on prominent African-Americans)."
3) Frosina.org, a self-proclaimed Albanian immigrant and cultural resource
and
4) The Al Franken Show

On the eve of my departure for the most populous Muslim nation on Earth, all I have to say is, God Bless America.

Vote or die.

The above advertisement is from www.Dictionary.com. I was too distracted looking up "precipe" to follow the link. I did, however, save the image, and now can't help but wonder...

Vote for Anne Coulter as what?

Modern ideologue most akin to Adolph Hitler?

Woman most likely to have a perpetually enraged cobra living beneath her clitoral hood?

The possibilities are endless. Regardless, Ann Coulter – you have my vote.

I'm doing something with my life...

Oh wait, no. I had myself confused with John Lennon.

Straight from the Gut [archives]

The Cereal Generation
By R. Lance Martin
Published on Friday, November 19, 2004

Courtesy of Kellogg's

Though experts still consider butterscotch the comfort food of choice on America's college campuses, a cover article in Sunday's New York Times reveals that young adults now account for a "disproportionately large share of the breakfast cereal market." Research conducted here at Dartmouth appears to confirm this finding.

Recent polls indicate that stressed Dartmouth upperclassmen, sporting semi-permanent winces (as if victims of botched Botox treatments), reach for Fruit Loops in times of need and statisticians correlate the recent on-campus spike in Cinnamon Toast Crunch sales with heightened Terror Alert levels.

"Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fox News are all I need to feel better [about the steady boil in Iraq]," noted Andrew Caspary '06.

Though cereal may provide comfort in times of war and neo-conservatism, aggressive marketing campaigns during the late 1980s may also explain its surge in popularity among members of our generation.

"Honeycomb's big -- yeah yeah yeah. It's not small -- no no no," exclaimed Alexis C. Jolly '05, recalling the jingle that elevated Honeycomb cereal to God-like status back in 1988.

"The Trix rabbit played a formative role my childhood development," yelled Charles Baron '05 as he stared longingly into a bowl of pink-tinted milk with only a few remaining specks of fruity cereal.

Unconvinced by characters used to market cereals to the pre-school set, Isaac Kardon '05 said he always "detested the Leprechaun's affected smile," but enjoyed "picking out the marshmallows" from Lucky Charms.

Though some associate cereal with childhood memories, others associate cereal with overprotective parents: "My parents always wanted me to be wholesome like Quaker oatmeal," said Dan Correa '05, laughing with a mixture of superiority and sadness.

While it's nostalgic significance may be disputed, overwhelming evidence indicates cereal's popularity when mind-altering substances forcibly distort the senses, making preparation of more complex dishes (such as spaghetti) impossible.

"Even when I'm repeating sounds over and over again, I can recognize objects such as bowls, spoons, milk and cereal boxes," noted John Helmstadter '05, who added that he was just kidding about his ability to recognize spoons.

True -- cereal is comforting, well-marketed and convenient -- but television's influence on our generation may also explain its popularity. Because MTV introduced so many pop-culture archetypes over the course of the late 1990s, many members of our generation still experience considerable confusion with regard to self-image.

"I don't know who I am," said Neel Shah '05, "but I can mix my cereal to send different yet simultaneous signals about my multiple identities."

Conscious of his fiber intake and his image, Shah covers his daily bowl of Raisin Bran with a thin layer of Frosted Flakes so as to imply "carefree, hipster" while masking "intelligent, sensitive."

Seated nearby, Bobby Zangrilli '05 added that Special K is "good for face-time [with the ladies]" because "eating a chick cereal in public shows that I don't care [about image]."

Too occupied with work to trouble himself with image, Dan Robinson '05 countered that cereal provides a sense of power in the wake of an intense corporate recruiting process replete with statistical case studies: "I can control the milk-to-Smart Start ratio in the morning. You can't take that away from me. No, you can't ..."

While some seek cereal for image-enhancing or control purposes, others find that it reflects their individuality -- my attempt to fool anti-Establishment icon Nick Taranto '06 by noting that Lockheed Martin recently acquired General Mills was met with a smack upside the head.

Enjoying his daily bowl of Grape Nuts, the calmer Jesse Blom '06 defended his sophisticated breakfast selection: "I will have the good life one day -- McMansions, Southampton, air-kisses -- and my sensible bowl of Grape Nuts in the morning is a step in the right direction."

Evidently this overlooked breakfast product now has a unique role in the lives of a generation that grew up surfing the web and playing with Super-Soakers during economic boom times.

"Your it man, you're my best friend," said Blake Johnson '05 as he stares affectionately at an image of Captain Crunch on a nearby cereal box during a brief respite in an intense game of online Halo. "Cap'n Horatio Crunch was born on Crunch Island, which is located in Milk Sea," added Dan Madigan '05 as he checked his BlitzMail.

Though the Cap'n likes us, perhaps a more dynamic online avatar running through three-dimensional virtual worlds occasionally wonders how our generation will be remembered.

"We didn't protest like the Baby Boomers, but we ate mad cereal in College," noted Matt Miller '05, gripping a box of Count Chocula as if holding an infant.

Marketers concerned about profits and mothers concerned about vegetable intake may try to understand why our generation eats cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but the answer may be simple.

"Because I can," said the jubilant and massive Norwegian Viking Erik Richardson '05 as he poured a large bowl of granola in Collis Cafe. "And that's good enough for me."

To the long-haired, Asian man at my gym:

Won't

you

tell

me

your

secrets?

Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful Jesuit!

10:35pm-12:16am: He sinks into the dusty, secondhand chair, crippled with a writer's block he was certain wasn't supposed to set in until he'd had a least one work of genius. Checks testicles for lumps. Cancer would be a good excuse.

12:17am: He rises, deciding now is the time to finally fix that clogged bathroom sink. He grabs the bottle of Drano from the supply cabinet, then watches with satisfaction as the mucusy liquid glugs its way down the hole. Might as well scrub the mirrors and the tile, while we're at it.

12:56am: He returns to his writing chair, a pleasant dancing sensation in his fingertipsietoenailskullhairs, thanks to a lack of ventilation in the bathroom.

1:15am: In a fit of chemical ecstasy (Wordsworth defined poetry as the "spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings) he writes, writes, writes - ideas flowing from his fingertips like a milk jug knocked over from the table. This is it. This is the script that will change everything.

1:34am: He realizes he's outlined a film almost identical to Rob Schneider's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo.

1:35am: He reaches for the bottle of Drano.

The Breakroom: Trip 8

Trip 8: Discovering that niether the tea nor peach #1 were significantly cooler, I placed the Hot Tea bottle in the freezer.

The Breakroom @ 2:00 PM: Trips 1-9

A sequence of trips to the office kitchen occuring between 1:58 PM and 2:20 PM

Trip 1: Decide I need more tea and fill empty Arizona Iced Tea bottle with Bigelow mint tea and hot water. (return to desk)

Trip 2: Noticing my Iced Tea is now hot tea, I return to kitchen to place hot tea bottle in fridge. (return to desk)

Trip 3: Remembering that I have peaches in my backpack (now warm), I carry both the kitchen and place peach #1 in fridge with Iced Tea and bring peach #2 back to my desk to be eaten later. (return to desk)

Trip 4: After reading one sentance of a report on India's nukes, it occurs to me that cold air sinks, and thus the fastest way to cool my hot tea bottle and peach #1 is to place them at the bottom of the fridge. (return to desk)

Trip 5: Wanting to eat peach #2 I realize I will make a mess all over my desk, so I return to the kitchen for paper towels. While searching for new paper towels, I eat peach #2 and make a mess. (return to desk)

Trip 6: Bathroom

Trip 7: After eating peach #2, I decide that for peach #1, I really would prefer a cold treat. I decide to move peach #1 to the bottom of the freezer. (return to desk)

Trip 8-9: Tentative. I am planning on retrieving my soon to be Cold tea bottle and iced peach treat. Invariably, this will take two trips.

Happy Fourth!

These are the opening lines of Allen Ginsberg's America. I recommend you finish the rest of it here.

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.